WildSnow.com SOLD!
(Editor’s note: April 1 tomfoolery satire follows.) It is time we shared our plans for the future of WildSnow.com. Today we received a large offer from Sleight of Hand Publishing, a small sustainable company in Belize known for its extensive coverage of NTN ski bindings. Spokesman for Sleight of Hand is a genuine seeming guy named Allan Holly, and Sleight’s publications division Editor-in-Chief Sloof Lirpa is one of the reasons the ski industry exists as we know it, so we figured some comments from the guys at Sleight would be appropriate here. Thanks Allan and Sloof for chiming in!
(Image removed by request of the State Department and NSA. Depicted cocktail hour and how important 4-buckle boots are to life.)
“For starters,” said Allan, “We know a lot of you guys are tired of getting all your information on the web, and need more in print. We’re here to help you. For a small fee we can mail you a limited amount of ink and paper you can keep around the house and feel good about recycling. After all, we are totally into sustainability, so everything we do will be sustainable. For example, while Lou will be moving on to the Diesel College of America and a career in large equipment upkeep, we will be converting all the WildSnow.com engines to run on recycled and liquified ski wax, distilled from floor sweepings gathered from our local nordic waxing shacks. We don’t mind saying that this act alone will halt climate change, and we feel very good about that. We are doing our part! Further, bear in mind that less is more when it comes to good writing so that goal is job-one, starting now! We’ve watched WildSnow.com go from a clear, concise blog to a massive heap of content that has even been known to cause smoke to expel from a Google server farm when they tried to index it. We aim to help with the challenge of covering diverse subjects such as powder skiing and backpacks — only with one half to one fifth the word count — or even one tenth where possible. This will make Google happy, and in publishing that’s the end-all be-all, am I right or am I right? That being said, the whole thing can be so complex. We’ve heard of people who develop algorithms which would awe Einstein himself just to calculate the correct width of a ski for a given density of snow. Funny thing is, that width is usually wider than 120 mm no matter what. Come to think of it, that’s probably because this special algo was developed for testing backcountry skis at ski resorts, where how a ski looks on the gondola is much more important than what kind of weight it puts on your abductor muscles when going uphill. Sheesh, and look at the time WildSnow spent with their ski weights vs surface area calculations? What a waste of someone’s alloted seconds on this planet. A skinny backcountry ski is about as useful as running a bicycle tire on a logging truck, so why spend the time? And how about ski boots? WildSnow has been known to disparage anything with more than 3 buckles. They’ve even gone so far as to call the fourth buckle ‘vestigial,’ as if it’s something unpleasant protruding from the underbelly of an eel that’s finally after several million years crawled up into the sunlight and air from primordial ooze. Come on people, evolution does not make things that are ‘vestigial,’ everything has a purpose. The fourth buckle? How would YOU feel if you were on a ski lift, looked down at your feet, and did not see that fourth buckle? Nausea would be a weak word. You might even consider seppuku by ski pole tip. Yep, how about ski poles? It is tragic, no, criminal, that WildSnow.com would constantly disparage adjustable ski poles. After all, they cost more, fail more easily, and add complexity to what is otherwise one of the most simple and effective tools ever invented by mankind (er, I mean “humans”). What’s not to love about that? Furthermore, to be caught out in the backcountry, on camera, without adjustable poles? That’s the kind of image that if placed on Facebook, you might spend years trying to get erased due to the resulting damage to your reputation. Sheesh, what’s the use of a non-adjustable pole when you’re trying to tune the length for your Go-pro mount selfie setup? I could go on. Actually, I will. For the love of your higher power, look at WildSnow’s bias on backpacks. We know here at Sleight of Hand that the best backpack looks like carry-on luggage, and likewise opens with a zipper panel. WildSnow’s constant drivel spill about packs that have accessory straps and weigh less because they’re top loaders? What a pile. Once we’re in control of this website, you will never see a top loader pack review again. Take that to the bank. Ditto for Dynafit. Dynafit, Dynafit, Dynafit! Is anyone else tired of hearing about how light their skis are, or how they they pretty much changed the sport of ski touring by manufacturing and selling the tech binding starting in 300 A.D. (editor’s note, Fritz Barthel is actually several thousand years old, but ski touring on his invention has reversed the aging process and he will never age past 18 years — this effect is available to anyone who sticks with Dynafit bindings for more than 20 years at 100 days or more a year, and has been documented in peer reviewed journals that are never wrong.)? We’re going to get past all the Dynafit blather, or actually behind it, by ramping up coverage of ski touring gear that pre-dates 300 A.D. by several thousand years. That includes climbing skins made from animal hides. Sure, many years ago the guy who writes most WildSnow content predicted the future. I hate to admit it but he did. It’s painful for me to write anything more about that, so I won’t. Actually, I will, and say that while yes L.D. has been saying that telemarking was NOT the future of ski touring, we think it still could be and you will see much more coverage of the amazing and innovative products produced in garages around the world, intended to make telemarking heavier and more fun.
Award winning NTN will win Editor Choice. Photo, Scarpa/Rotefella
(t.k., insert paragraph break here) For example, we do plan on ramping up the WildSnow.com coverage of NTN bindings and boots, as this award winning system could change the future of skiing as it makes telemarking almost as easy as fixed-heel skiing, but still hard enough to be worth bragging about and having an occasional telemark-only slalom race now and then involving men in tight lycra wearing giant knee pads, which is something that we here at Sleight of Hand wish we could cover more so having a website available to do so will be useful. I could go on about other subjects. Actually, I will. Helmets? Helmets!? WildSnow is constantly pointing out how many people get injured while wearing helmets; it’s as if the helmets cause the injuries! Our take? Everyone, doing anything, should be wearing a helmet. Please please wear a helmet. Studies have shown that driving to and from a day of backcountry sking is when you are most likely to be injured, so especially when you are driving, WEAR A HELMET! What is more, when you’re crouched down in your kitchen looking for lettuce to make a sandwich, a bottle of maple syrup falling on your head from the top shelf of your fridge has the same scientific G forces as a fall on hard snow while skiing at 18 mph, which is the impact level that most helmets will protect for — incredible how high-tech and effective helmets are for safe skiing, isn’t it! Thus, wear a helmet while opening your fridge, especially if skiers have been in your house making pancakes. I’ll close on a positive note. Wildsnow.com does know how to review socks, and they know where the best ones are made. Look it up. we’re a fan of this particular brand of socks as well, so nothing will change in that area though we do plan on an Editor’s Choice sock award.”
Lisa Dawson, Joe Risi, Sloof Lirpa and Lou Dawson contributed to this report.
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Comments
24 Responses to “WildSnow.com SOLD!”
Wow. Take one part WildSnow and one part Kerouac and this is what you get. Really impressed. Nice work guys!
Looking forward to the throttling back of Dynafit coverage and the new enthusiasm for telemark. It’s about time! WildSnow will lead the way to the third telemark period in modern skiing. And, just think! all in my lifetime.
Jim, so you somehow halted the aging process and are several thousand years old as well? It’s been amazing to have found out about this part of ski culture. Who knew that guys several thousand years old were still making turns? It’s like having aliens in our midst, or, angels? Another thing that came up during negotiations for this business deal: there are many more uses for a lurk than I ever imagined. Lou
Yes, but, alas, I have not halted the aging process. I’m just a brute.
Funny you should mention lurks, Lou. I’ve been lurking here for a long time.
I’d like to clarify that the sale of WildSnow.com does not include WildSnow HQ. We will use sale proceeds to build our dream mcMansion in Marble. Gunnerson County approved plans for a 50,000 square foot Austrian style chalet with detached machine shop/garage. Since we’re realistic about getting older, we will also install a rope tow to the top of Marble Peak.
Which, I might add, is why I’m going to Diesel College, as we’ve made a deal with Colorado Extractive Stone Industries to tap into their huge generator to supply power for the ski lifts, and I’ll have to help with generator maintenance.
I’m so glad you guys finally came to your senses and realized that the real mecca for backcountry skiing is on the East Coast. But I’m surprised that you didn’t mention that black topsheets can help melt the snow on top of your skis too, especially when they’re on your back while you bootpack up Tucks.
Is it April Fools day already? :wink
Beer, did someone say beer? Happy April 1st everyone. Well done.
Dynafit just announced their new Horizontal Binding produced in collaboration with Apple. This is going to revolutionize the AT binding one more time. It will be the first electronically controlled binding on the market. At the core of the binding are the microprocessor and the gyroscopic sensors found in the iPhone 5s. A simple App allows you to adjust the settings of the binding by connecting to an iPhone via Bluetooth. The gyroscopic sensor together with the microprocessor will decide if the skier is acting in a controlled manner or not, and will release if necessary. The set-up of the binding is an ongoing process and it is based on learning skier’s habits, as well on Internet streamed information (like Avi conditions, etc.). Oh, and switching from ski to walk mode would be as easy as tapping a button on your iPhone’s screen.
Too bad you guys are not going to be around to witness this revolution…
Chalet in Marble? Awesome! Need any interns for that?
Sounds like a plan! where’s my cut? 😉
Jason, no interns planned but we’ll be hiring a few ski valets. Keep in touch.
Louie, we’ll send you the details of your new Swiss bank account. xoxo, Mom
Revenge of the Telemarkers, Part 2?
Is that Dr. Evil’s photo or Leon’s?
Lou,
I was hoping that before the sale of Wildsnow went ahead that you would write an article on the revolutionary new AT ski that is about to hit the market.
It will be marketed by a Swiss boutique ski manufacturer and though the price will be very high, those who can afford the latest in hyper light gear, especially Dynafit, will probably create a waiting order of a at least a year.
The prototypes tested gave absolutely mind blowing performance and my technical sources have informed me that the about to be patented technology consist of a hollow ski, with a monocoque shell construction, which is loaded during construction with a wide viscosity range nano technology wax like substance that oozes out through the porous running surface, obviating the need for skins. The steeper the slope the greater the grip because of the thixotropic “wax” changes viscosity with the increase in shear force imparted by the snow gradient.
But the real secret of the ski, is a NASA developed and supplied fuel injector valve connected to an ultralight CO2 bottle that allows the pressurizing of the ski, to force the “wax” like substance trough the base.
Unfortunately, I had a virus infection on my PC and lost the link to my ski insider friend, but am sure that if you do a thorough search on the internet, that you’ll come across this as it is very difficult to keep anything secret these days.
Cheers
Craig R Grattan 😆
Craig, thanks for the heads-up on that. Only thing is, we favor electronic systems over those powered by compressed gas. Nonetheless, this could be another way of recycling ski wax and saving the planet, so we’ll look into it. Lou
Lou,
I greatly fear that you missed the environmental (fantastic word) impact of this new development, because the CO2 in the high tech bottles made from unobtanium alloy will significantly reduce the green house effects of man made emissions. 😉
Cheers
Craig
Sequester CO2 in airbag backpack cylinders, will halt global warming, easily. The new skis will just be icing on the cake. Lou
Lou, that’s brilliant and I really think that you are onto something!
Keep up the good work, and
Cheers
Craig 😆
I hope Adam Howard, oops I mean Allan Holly sees this, at Slight of Hand Publishing..
Lou,
Great story, looking forward to more coverage of the new Dynafit Bloviate binding to be tested soon by Slight of Hand Publishing.. First news is this binding will allow one to ski Tele or Lock the Heel, all with a single 4 kilo binding
🙂
(previous comment was cut off by mistake)
Skiing tele or locking the heel on the same binding is sort of like going to heaven, or at least that’s what I’ve heard from 2 people. (grin)